The Ultimate Guide to Dating a Teenage Psychopath
by gravitywillfallaxolotlwillrise
Summary: After the events of Sock Opera, Bill decides to change his strategy a bit. Will he be able to stand being Mabel's (gag) date?
1. Chapter 1

The most innocent of the Pines twins would, naturally, be the easiest to manipulate. Or, at least, that's what Bill thought at first. The assumption was quickly thrown out the window as soon the young girl beat the living hell out of him, and, consequently, her own brother's body. Bill left the fight a little more annoyed than he was before, a little more impatient, a little more...impressed.

He, of course, pushed the feeling to the side immediately. He couldn't have any positive feelings towards these tiny, ignorant, annoying, easily-breakable flesh puppets. In fact, as soon as he shredded the veil between his world and the human world, the Pines twins would be the first to go...or maybe the last. It all depended on how much he wanted to see them suffer.

Mabel Pines had always been easy to manipulate, Bill just had to go about it in the right way. But what was the right way? Torture? Death of a family member? Country music?

No… those were insane. And far too complicated. What Bill needed was another way into the girl's head...he needed an act that played to her most vulnerable emotion. And that emotion, as Bill found out, was the need to be with someone in a… gross… kind of way. Specifically someone of the opposite gender, in Mabel's case.

Bill was disgusted at the thought, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and it didn't seem like old Six Fingers was coming out of the portal any time soon. Bill would need to find a body of an attractive pre-teen or teenage boy to posses, and biding his time making deals wasn't going to cut it this time. But could he find the recently-deceased corpse of someone who fit that description?

Of course he could! What was he thinking? He's Bill-fucking-Cipher for that-notoriously- annoying-human-speech-thing-that-Time-Baby-did-quite-often out loud! He saw all, knew all, and could do all. Well, almost all. He wasn't quite that powerful. Yet.

There was a child a mere few miles outside of the small town. I mean, sure, the body was probably waterlogged and not in the greatest condition, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that the boy died recently and hadn't begun to decompose. He was thirteen years old, one year older than Mabel. It wasn't ideal, but Bill supposed that one year didn't matter much. At least, he hoped it didn't. He knew that humans could be weird about children dating someone older than they were. Just like humans to care about the timeline that ultimately means nothing and just ends in their own demise. How pitiful.

Even though time was meaningless, Bill could never find enough of the abstract concept to marvel at how pitiful the human race had become. He had work to do, however, so the shaming of the entire human population could take place another day. He had to inhabit his vessel before it started to decompose, then he would find a way to manipulate Mabel into getting him those journals and figure out where Stanley Pines was doing his work. The rest would be history. The event prophesied millennia ago would finally come to pass.

Weirdmageddon would ravage the world, and Bill Cipher would be at the head of it all.


	2. Chapter 2

It was an extremely rainy day in Gravity Falls Oregon, and the effects this had on the inhabitants of the Mystery Shack were far too obvious. Dipper had watched the same three episodes of Ghost Harassers three times in a row and was now lazily flipping through Journal Number Three. He wasn't bothering to read the pages, as he had already read through the book thousands of times over. Rather, he was so bored out of his mind that even the monotonous action of flipping pages provided some amusement.

Mabel was far worse off than her brother. She was already knitting her fifth sweater of the day, and she was practically drowning in yarn and scraps of fabric. If someone were to walk into the room she shared with her twin brother and investigate the mountain of sweater-making supplies, they would never be able to find her. In fact, the only indication that Mabel was even there was the mountain's slight pulsing as Mabel moved her arms to knit.

Dipper looked up from his casual, page-flipping boredom to see Wendy poking her head into the living room. "Hey Wendy," he said in a bored monotone. Even his voice refused to be the slightest bit amused, it seemed.

"Hey Dipper," Wendy greeted, sounding equally as exhausted as she looked. "If you see Stan, tell him I left for the day, okay? Nobody's coming in this weather, and I'm so bored."

"Can do," Dipper said, returning to his futile attempts at fighting the boredom the rain brought with it. As he heard Wendy start to walk away, however, a faint tingling noise met his ears. Dipper looked up from the Journal once more.

"Hey, Wendy? I think someone just walked in."

Wendy sighed with exasperation and started to make her way towards the gift shop when a new sound met Dipper. It was a voice, a voice he recognized.

"H-hello?"

Dipper stiffened as his blood ran cold. That voice… "Bill," he whispered to himself. In one swift movement, Dipper slammed the Journal closed and shoved it under the cushion of Stan's old recliner.

"Is a-a-anyone th-th-th-there?"

There was a creak. Out of the corner of his eye Dipper saw a figure. His head darted to the side and he let out a quiet sigh of relief. It was only Mabel, crouching on the steps, knitting-needles clenched tightly in her hand. She had heard the voice too. Pieces of loose fabric and yarn stuck to her clothing and hair. She turned to Dipper and put one finger to her lips. Dipper returned the gesture.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mystery Sha-"

"Oh no!" Dipper groaned as the voice cut off. "Wendy! I didn't get to warn her!"

Without another word, the twins ran into the gift shop, Mabel at the head, her knitting needles poised and ready to strike. The only thing stopping her from shoving the needle straight into the newcomer's eye were Wendy's next few words.

"Kid, are you okay?!"

Mabel and Dipper both paused to get a good look at the child (suspected to be Bill Cipher) who had entered their tourist trap that rainy afternoon. He was shivering and soaking wet in only a t-shirt and shorts. His lips were blue, and his eyes were wide and green with normal pupils. Not yellow with vertical pupils, like Bill had. His hair was a matted dark chocolate color, and he was clutching himself tightly. Teeth chattering, he glanced over at Dipper and Mabel. The twins, Mabel especially, couldn't help but feel sympathetic for the poor kid. "H-h-hey… got a b-b-blanket or s-somethin'?

Mabel lowered her knitting needles and smiled at the boy. He definitely wasn't the evil, no-good dream demon she was expecting. In fact he was actually kind of...cute. Mabel hastily tried to remove the remnants of her knitting. "Wait here! I'll be right back!" She ran off in the opposite direction, coming back a few moments later with a recently-knitted sweater. It was bright yellow and covered in pink stars. The sweater was ugliness in its purest form, but the boy accepted it gratefully.

"Th-th-thanks."

Mabel helped the shaking boy put the sweater on. "Follow me into the kitchen. I'll make you some hot chocolate. It's my secret recipe!"

"Mabel…" Dipper eyed the kid warily. "Are you sure we should-"

"Oh, stop being a Suspicious Sally, Dipper!" Mabel scolded. She was only slightly annoyed, however. She tended to be more careful herself, especially with what happened at her puppet show. Even so, the boy seemed harmless. "Don't mind him," she said, winking at the boy. "He's a bit paranoid."

"I am not paranoid!"

Mabel rolled her eyes and took the boy's hand. It was cold and clammy. "What's your name?" She asked, leading him into the kitchen.

"B…William. Will for short." Will huddled in Mabel's sweater, trying to draw as much warmth from the item of clothing as possible. He tucked his free hand into the sweater and balled it into a fist, closing off the opening of the bright yellow sleeve.

Mabel pulled out a chair for Will. He, quite awkwardly, sat down in it and retracted his arms into his hideous sweater. As soon as she was sure the newcomer was comfortable, Mabel set out on her quest to make the world's best cup of Mabel Chocolate.

Dipper and Wendy glanced at each other. Wendy laughed and Dipper sighed. The two shook their heads. "Watch out for your sister for me, okay?" Wendy punched Dipper lightly in the arm before exiting the Mystery Shack. Dipper watched her go before returning to the television, not willing to retrieve his journal just yet. He grabbed the remote and started lazily flipping through the channels, knowing that if anything were to happen to Mabel, he would be able to hear from the living room.

"What brings you here, cutie?" Mabel asked Will as she bustled around the kitchen, gathering the supplies she would need. She glanced over at Will, who didn't even so much as blush. Mabel turned back to her work, a little more frustrated than before. This would be a tough shell to crack!

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

Instead of telling her the story of how he wound up half-drowned, stumbling into the Mystery Shack, Will waited in silence as Mabel finished his cup of hot chocolate. Mabel set a brightly-colored mug in front of him with a flourish before stepping back and watching the boy, an eager grin on her face.

Will glanced down at the drink, which looked to be more sparkles than hot chocolate. Nonetheless, he drank it eagerly. "More!" He demanded after he slammed down the first mug.

"More what?" Mabel asked, more amused than anything at the boy's bad manners.

"More now!" Will demanded. Mabel sighed. He would definitely need work.

It wasn't long before Mabel handed Will another mug of her Mabel Chocolate, and he was about to slam it down when something made him pause.

Another person walked into the room. A man this time. Will's eyes widened as he caught sight of the man. The brightly-colored mug of Mabel Chocolate shattered on the floor, ceramic pieces and Mabel's precious beverage flying everywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

Oh FUCK!

Bill didn't dare move as Mabel began to clean up the mess he made. It was already bad enough that he had to act cold and pitiful, but now this?

Okay, well, maybe the cold and pitiful part wasn't an act. Human puppets apparently got cold really fast. That was beside the point. The point was, Bill was startled by a human. A motherfucking human for Christ's sake! A disgusting pile of flesh and blood made him drop that colorful hard thing used to hold human beverages! (Speaking of human beverages, whatever Mabel made was extremely good...he would have to get her to make more for him some time).

The part that really pissed Bill off was not the fact that he was cold, or that he dropped his drink, or the fact that the contacts he was wearing were starting to get really really itchy. (Did contacts have any negative side effects if they were kept in for too long?) No, the reason Bill was so pissed off was because he was startled by (and lost his drink because of) none other than Stanley Pines, the failure of the Pines family.

Now, Bill had a perfectly reasonable explanation for being startled by the lowlife, two-faced crook. For a split second he thought Sixer was back earlier than planned. Damn humans and their damn unintentional clones. At least dipstick and...that other one that he would soon have to seduce (butlet'snottalkaboutthatrightnow) are different genders. Why couldn't this old crone and his six-fingered brother do something like that?

"Somethin' wrong kid?" Said the old man, collapsing onto a chair and cracking open a can of Pitt Cola. "Ya look like you've seen a ghost or somethin'."

"I'm fine," Bill snapped, a little harsher than he should have. Stan raised an eyebrow at him and he immediately looked away from the old man's gaze.

Mabel quickly came to the rescue. "This is Will, Grunkle Stan," she said, having just cleaned up the last of Bill's mess. "He got caught in the rain and came in here to warm up."

"I don't need to call his parents, do I?" Stan grumbled. Bill quickly shook his head.

"No," he said. "They uh...died," he blurted out. Bill glanced at his audience and saw that Stanley Pines was clearly not buying his story. Mabel, on the other hand, was already starting to tear up. Bill decided to ham up his act a bit. "A long time ago. I've been in a… a place… where they send human children without their temporary guardians…"

"An orphanage?" Mabel offered.

"Yeah! An orphanage! I've been there for years now and I-"

"You ran away because the caretakers were mean, didn't you?!" Mabel blurted out.

Bill nodded sadly and flashed Mabel some puppy-dog eyes for good measure.

"Oh, you poor baby!"

"Mabel, he looks about as old as you," Stanley grunted. Mabel ignored her Grunkle.

"You can live with us!" She declared.

"Now, hold on a second, you can't just-"

"Oh, please Grunkle Stan!" Mabel clutched her hands to her chest and quivered her lip at her Grunkle. Stanley sighed.

"Fine. Just as long as I don't have to do anything," he grunted.

"YAY! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" Mabel wrapped Stanley in a bone-crushing hug.

"Oof! Hey, kid, I need to breath."

Mabel released her Grunkle and grabbed Bill by the hand. "Come on, Will! Let's go upstairs! You can sleep in the room I share with Dipper! It'll be like a summer-long sleepover!"

"That sounds great!" Bill smiled. He tried to hide his malicious intent behind said smile, but was unable to do so completely. Still, Mabel payed no mind.

Too damn easy. Bill thought.


End file.
